Am I bovered?
by SparkieSchteff
Summary: Vince and Howard are unfortunate enough to meet Lauren Cooper. No swearing, no violence, just for fun. Mostly dialogue, oneshot.


**So...I think I've got block (boo) so this may be bad.  
So there's no swearing, no violence, no slash (just suggested slash I guess) and it's just a bit of fun which probably isn't funny :) Oh and it's mostly dialogue cos I hate doing scripts, though I should try one sometime **

**Disclaimer: Everything Boosh belongs to Barratt and Fielding and Lauren Cooper belongs to the genius that is Catherine Tate, I own nothing**

**Anyway, have fun :) xxx**

**Am I bovered?**

Vince sat idly on the counter swinging his legs about; his heavy boots thumped the counter in time with each other creating a noise even Howard could hear from upstairs.  
He flicked through the magazine in his lap while fiddling with a strand of hair by his cheek; he bit his lip in boredom and occasionally glanced around and out the shop in case anything interesting had happened. Nothing ever did.

He wasn't really concentrating on the article in his magazine about the latest fashion and he only had about an hour left before the next Cheekbone was delivered, if he was perfectly honest, he wasn't bothered.

An ice cream van could be heard down the street, a couple of kids ran past the window eager to catch up with the vehicle. The sun was out for once beating down on the streets and he was stuck inside working on his own because he had been four hours late for work leaving Howard in a very negative mood. Howard had then ordered him to watch the shop while he went for a 'much needed break', Vince had just rolled his eyes, sighed and clicked his tongue then sat quietly on top of the counter for a further hour. Now his backside was starting to feel really numb, he wiggled a little and flicked the page of his magazine over only to gaze at the photographs and not take in any of the text.

The bell above the door rung suddenly snapping Vince out of his daydream, he flicked his head up and noticed a schoolgirl had waltzed in and was browsing at the t-shirt rack. She pulled a couple of tops out, held them against herself then tutted and slung it back on the rack. Vince dropped his magazine and hopped down off the counter to lean back against it catching the attention of the girl.

"Alright?" She asked in a soft voice, a tiny smile played at her lips but vanished instantly.  
"Alright?" Vince replied flashing his full and best smile at her, he crossed his arms as she took a few steps closer to him.  
"My name's Lauren."  
"Cool, I'm Vince." He held out a hand to shake but Lauren didn't take it.  
"_Vince_?" She asked holding up two pointing fingers, she stressed his name then dropped her hands.  
"Yeah." He replied sounding slightly uncertain and confused.  
"But that's a boys name innit?"  
"Yeah, and?"  
"So ain't you gotta like be a boy to have that name?"  
"I am a boy." Lauren took a step back with her mouth wide open, she brought her arm up and slammed it back down clicking her fingers.  
"As if you are though!"  
"What?"  
"You look like a girl though, innit! That is well bad!"  
"No I don't." Vince looked down at himself; he was wearing his usual black jeans and a band tee, nothing too over the top and nothing too girly at all "Not today anyway."  
"Yeah you do though."  
"No, I don't." Vince straightened up and starred at Lauren who tilted her head to the side and shifted all her weight to one leg.  
"Yeah you do though. You look like a girl, you proper do though. Is that make up you've got on? Oh my god that is so make up!"  
"Eyeliner?"  
"You is such a girl mate, I bet you straighten yer hair an' everyfin. I bet you got more hair products than Superdrug."  
"No-"  
"I bet you got more clothes than Top Shop, I bet you shop in all the girly shops too, innit?"  
"No-"  
"But I am right though."  
"Well…"  
"See I am right though." There were thumps above as someone descended the stairs, Lauren remained silent and folded her arms while Vince turned awkwardly to wait for Howard to appear.

"Vince, what's with all the shouting?" Howard asked as he joined him by the counter "Oh, hello there."  
"Alright?" Lauren replied dropping her arms to her sides "Are you her dad?"  
"What? No, he's not a girl and I'm not his dad."  
"Whatever, I think you're her dad though."  
"No I'm not."  
"Uncle?"  
"What? No!"  
"Bruvah then?"  
"No, we're just friends."  
"Are you best friends?"  
"Yeah." Howard smiled slightly as Vince sat himself back on top of the counter.  
"Are you gay then?"  
"What?"  
"I said, are you gay then?"  
"No we're not!"  
"I bet you are though. Have you ever seen him naked?" Lauren pointed a finger at Vince whose eyes seemed to widen.  
"No I have not!"  
"Bet you have. Bet you've had a little look when he's been getting' changed, innit? Pervert."  
"I think you should leave."  
"Have you ever kissed him?"  
"Go please." Howard tried to usher her out the shop but she resisted "Go or I'll call your parents." Vince sighed slightly from behind his friend "And the police." Howard added.  
"Are you disrespectin' my family?" Lauren asked moving away from Howard to stand in between the two.  
"No, look-"  
"But are you disrespectin my family? Are you sayin' my mum don't know how to raise her kids?"  
"No I wasn't."  
"Are you sayin' my dad ain't a good dad?"  
"No!"  
"But he ain't even a bad dad though."  
"Ok-"  
"But he ain't even a bad dad though."  
"You are so annoying." Vince added swinging his legs against the counter again "And rude, why don't you just shut up and go? God, you're pathetic!" There was a pause as Lauren tilted her head and stuck her tongue against her cheek before replying.  
"Am I bovered?"  
"What?"  
"Am I bovered though? I ain't even bovered!"  
"Okay."  
"But I ain't even bovered."  
"Just go."  
"Look at my face." She pointed a finger toward her features and leant forward toward Vince.  
"Just go away!"  
"Look at my face!" She shook her head "Face, look at my face. Face, bovered? Does my face look bovered to you?"  
"No."  
"Cos I ain't bovered! Top Shop, make up, dad, uncle, bruvah, bovered? I ain't bovered!"  
"Alright! We heard you the first fifty times!" Lauren clicked her tongue in reply and headed for the door before spinning back round to face them.  
"Can I arks you a question?"  
"What?"  
"Can I arks you a question?"  
"No, go away."  
"But I just wanna arks you a question, I only wanna arks you a question, why won't you let me arks you a question?"  
"Fine, _ask_ it." Howard replied raising his voice slightly.  
"Is he your boyfriend?"  
"What? No!"  
"Cos right, he could pass as a girlfriend. No one would know, everyone would think ya straight wun't they?"  
"Just get out."  
"Fine. Don't wanna stay in this poxy shop anways. It is well borin' in here." Lauren clicked her tongue again before slamming the door behind her "I still ain't bovered!" She shouted through the window before storming off.

Howard sighed and turned to face Vince who had stopped kicking his feet against the counter, he had a slight smile playing at his lips but looked a bit flustered at the same time.  
"Never leave me on my own at work ever again."


End file.
